A chance chat with a friend of mine on the side of a freezing cold rugby pitch reminded me of an approach I tend to use naturally in my coaching for others and yet forget to apply to myself... A LOT!!!  When I'm feeling in a bit of a rut the stories I tell myself can be really negative and I can convince myself that I'm stuck in that rut.  Solution focused brief therapy can help you take charge of that narrative in your head and change it... leading to bigger changes in your world.  Given the times we are currently facing, my belief is we could all do with being more resourced and helping others be more resourced too!

What is Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (or SFBT for short)
SFBT is a goal-oriented therapeutic approach that emphasises solutions rather than problems. Developed in the 1980s by Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg, SFBT is based on the premise that clients possess the internal resources and strengths necessary to overcome their challenges, similar to the underlying principle of coaching.

Rather than focusing on past difficulties or the actual problem itself, this approach encourages individuals to take time to envision their desired future and identify steps to achieve it.  SFBT fits in really well with a positive psychology approach - focusing on strengths, resourcefulness and positive outcomes. 

Techniques
SFBT is distinguished by its focus on positive change and practical solutions, unlike other therapeutic models which tend to dive deeply into the history of the problem, where it came from and how it effects the persons life,  Like positive psychology,  it is often based on interventions.   Thinking about something you would like to change or move closer towards, here are some key interventions that I have adapted to be used on your own or with a partner:

The Miracle Question – This intervention invites you to imagine a scenario in which your problem is suddenly resolved. Ask yourself, "Imagine tonight, while you sleep, a miracle occurs, and your issue is resolved. What would be different when you wake up?",  You would then go onto describe exactly what was going on for you in detail - try and really imagine it and feel what it would be like... and then visualise concrete steps toward improvement.  The invitation is to really slow down and get granular!  Remember this is about YOU as opposed to something that is completely outside of your control changing.  So it could be your response to a work situation as opposed to the work situation itself changing. 

Scaling Questions – Rating your progress or the severity of your concern on a scale (e.g., 1 to 10).  & keeping track of your rating, this technique helps you assess your current situation and recognise even the smallest improvements.  The upshot is the fostering of a sense of progress and self-belief in your ability to change.  Known as self-efficacy this is one of the most important factors in successful change.... believing you can actually make changes in your life!  You can use the evidence to counter any negative talk about being stuck too... I find this REALLY handy!!

Exception Seeking – Instead of focusing on when the problem you have is showing up, you could explore moments when the problem was less pronounced or absent. By identifying the factors that contributed to these exceptions, you can develop strategies to replicate those successful experiences.  Again this can be a brilliant way of building self belief... taking control of what really helps you be in a different space.  We can have a tendency to generalise or even catastrophise our situation - by focusing on the reality we are again building our evidence bank to remember that we can take control.  

Strengths-Based Conversation: Listen to yourself or ask someone else to highlight your existing strengths and capabilities.  This can help reinforce the idea that solutions are within reach & that you have more resources than you think you have.  My friend told me about a brilliant exercise called Moan, moan, moan.  You set a timer for 2 minutes and have a ruddy good moan.... pick a topic and just go for it!  Your partner then reflects back what they heard but ONLY about the positive qualities you have and what they heard that was positive in your situation.  This can be a great state shifter!!!  You could also do this by journaling your moans then picking out the strengths you demonstrate and all the good in your situation.  

As always there are pros and cons to this approach and it isn't a magic wand however I hope this has been useful for you...it's time for me to go do some journaling around this... what's your next move?!

"And what if you were more compassionate with yourself?"  This question, or a version of it, seems to be coming out of my mouth more and more over the last few months.  The vast majority of my clients mention the term 'imposter syndrome' in their sessions... and a lot of them will talk about an inner critic.  Now this could be because I am more aware of my own inner critic therefore I pick up on it or that I am attracting more people that are really harsh on themselves OR that self-criticism is spreading like a virus in the circles I work in.  

As a result of my own inner work I have been diving into the world of Mindful Self Compassion for a while now.  I am finding it an incredibly useful approach to work through some of my own 'stuff' and I have also offered MSC as a resource to some of my clients recently and had great feedback.  In a world that often focuses on achievement, productivity, and potentially perfection or getting things 'right', it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism which can lead to a multitude of problems eg poor mental health, imposter feelings, isolating oneself, relationship problems, self destructive avoidance tactics such as over consumption of alcohol, drugs, food etc.  Societally being kind to yourself can be seen as letting yourself off the hook or being too 'soft'.   Self compassion can be confused with self pity or selfishness.  So exactly what is it?

What is Self Compassion?
According to Kristin Neff (a prolific researcher & author in this field) Mindful Self Compassion involves three key elements:

1. Self-kindness: Being gentle with yourself when you face difficulties, rather than being overly critical.
2. Common humanity: Recognising that making mistakes, reacting too quickly/strongly & suffering are part of the human experience, rather than something that only you experience.
3. Mindfulness: Being aware of your pain and emotions without over-identifying with them or being consumed by them.

Kristin defines it as "a healthy way of responding to your mistakes or suffering with understanding and warmth, rather than judgement".   Here is a link for  more information and loads of resources.


The Science Behind Self Compassion
Research has found that self compassion can significantly impact our mental health and emotional resilience. For instance, studies have shown that individuals who practice self compassion have lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. One study conducted by Neff and her colleagues found that people who were high in self compassion reported fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety, as well as greater emotional resilience during challenging times.

Self compassion is also associated with better physical health.  One study by Kelly Werner in found that people who practiced self compassion were more likely to engage in health promoting behaviours like exercise, eating nutritious food, and seeking medical care when needed. Basically by treating yourself with compassion, you are more likely to make decisions that prioritise your wellbeing.

In addition to improving emotional and physical health, self compassion can boost motivation. Contrary to the belief that being kind to yourself might lead to complacency or laziness, research suggests that self compassion actually increases personal growth. When people treat themselves kindly, they are more likely to take constructive steps to improve their lives. This is because self compassion helps to reduce fear of failure, making it easier to learn from mistakes and try again. Neff’s work has demonstrated that individuals who practice self compassion are more likely to persist in the face of setbacks.  I think this is so key to know, especially for those of us who are in the coaching world!!

The Role of Self-Compassion in Relationships
Self compassion also has a significant impact on our relationships. When we are kind to ourselves, we are more likely to extend that kindness to others. Research has shown that people who are self compassionate tend to have better relationships, characterised by greater empathy, less conflict, and higher satisfaction. Basically by being kind to ourselves, we learn how to nurture and support those around us as well.
Additionally, self compassion can reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation. By recognising that suffering is a universal experience, we are better able to connect with others and find comfort in shared humanity. This can foster a sense of belonging and understanding in our relationships.  Remembering that relationships & connection are key to mental health the circle is completed here too!!

How to Cultivate Self Compassion
Here are a couple of examples of how you might create a self compassion practice:

1. Practice mindfulness: Notice when you are being self-critical and gently shift your focus to more compassionate thoughts or allow the self critical ones to float away.
2. Challenge negative self-talk: When you catch yourself thinking harshly about yourself, replace those thoughts with more understanding and supportive ones.
3. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend: When you are facing challenges, ask yourself what you would say to a loved one in a similar situation, and offer yourself that same advice.
4. Engage in self-care: Prioritise activities that nurture your physical and mental health, such as exercise, relaxation, and hobbies that bring you joy.  By viewing these as acts of self compassion you may just change your relationship with those activities.  
5. Keep a journal: By articulating your thoughts and getting them out on a page you can start to see the progress you are making.  You could start to create a wins of the day list by capturing the times you have acted with self compassion as opposed to being self critical!

Another prodigious writer in this space is Tara Brach.  She has labelled self compassion as Radical Compassion and has designed a mindfulness practice to help individuals navigate difficult emotions and cultivate compassion. She does a great series on the CALM app which I would highly recommend!  RAIN stands for:

1. Recognize: Acknowledge the emotion or feeling you're experiencing.
2. Allow: Permit the emotion to be present without resistance.
3. Investigate: Explore the emotion with curiosity and compassion, noticing how it feels in your body.
4. Nurture: Offer kindness and self compassion to soothe and support yourself.

Here is a link for more information from Tara!

So next time you are giving yourself a hard time or you notice you are about to descend into a pattern of self flagellation maybe just ask yourself  "How could I be more self compassionate in this situation?"  I'd love to hear from you if you have experienced MSC or if you have any comments on the above. 

​Lastly... My brilliant friend & MSC guru Polly Downes is also running an 8 week programme on MSC starting on 13th January- you can find more information here.  ENJOY!!

When I sat down to write this I had a completely different topic in mind... to be honest it felt forced... what could I write about that would be useful for people right now?  My mind went to what a coach 'should' be writing about... mindset, thinking patterns, top tips for flourishing/stress management/overwhelm/improving confidence etc.  All of these could absolutely be of use but none of the topics felt top of mind.

So what is actually on my mind is disruption... and lightness... and red noses..! 

​Most of you reading this will have a pretty good, if not highly attuned level of self awareness.  What this can sometimes result in is that we KNOW we are doing the unhelpful stuff & therefore can be susceptible to feelings of frustration, guilt & shame if we continue to do or think what we've done/thought.  What a waste!  My Zen teacher (the brilliant Claire Breeze) would call this 'doing a number on ourselves'.  We all have them... those phrases we might use to describe ourselves or the thoughts we catch ourselves thinking, the unhelpful beliefs we may have about ourselves.  At one of Claire's retreats last year she gave us all red clowns noses to put on every time we caught ourselves 'doing a number'!  I still have it!  It was basically an invitation to lighten up. 

There are lots of ways to work with 'numbers' and each of us will have our own most impactful way... I would like to share mine with you in case it resonates.  Before I do I want to make sure you are under no illusion that I do this all the time and that it works 100% either... as is everyone, I am very much a work in progress!  When I hear myself 'doing a number' I used to either ignore it and carry on... usually spiralling up or down or round or round until whatever it is ran out of puff.  This would leave me drained and full to the brim with guilt & shame & often anger.  'I  know better than this' 'I should get this stuff right, I'm a coach!' 'Am I beyond help?'.   Ahhh yet more numbers coming out!!!  

My alternative to this is to notice the spiral and put a spoke in it... usually this spoke is something to do with laughing at myself (compassionately)... disrupting the normal pattern of thinking and lightening up.  Dancing to loud music in an overexuberant fashion, singing the angry/self deprecating words at myself instead of thinking them, simply laughing out loud or getting up and shaking! What is the point of being so ruddy serious about everything... taking myself too seriously is a definite indicator I've gone too deep inside and am going into comparison mode.  There are times to be serious and there's times to seriously lighten up!  Some may see this as burying your head in the sand... I hear that.  However if you, like I, have a tendency to indulge in some good old over analysis then this could be a cracking way of shaking yourself out of a slump.  

Obviously don't just take my word for it!!  There is loads of research on how humour can help our creativity, collaboration, stress reduction, innovation, overall mental health... Here's a link to a recent study for those that love some empirical back up!

So here are a couple of sentences to finish if you fancy further reflection on this:

• The 'numbers' I do on myself are...
• I find myself funniest (make sure this is done with compassion) when I am....
• I am at my lightest when...
• Life is like...

I would love to hear from you if you find this useful AND if you find it a load of rubbish!  That's fine... it's just a bunch of words in the end... you can take from it what's useful and leave what's not!  Enjoy red noses, everyday!

Imagine for a moment you are floating in a calm sea... you are feeling a sense of peace.  Your breathing is slow & your senses are alive.  You may be able to touch the bottom easily if that's more comfortable for you...  You can hear the sea birds above & around you, smell the sea, your body is enveloped & held by the water around you & you can see the ocean stretch out ahead of you & the beautiful shoreline behind you.  You are immersed in this ancient place that holds so many stories.  

When you come out of the sea something has shifted - your thoughts are a little different, you feel different to how you did before you went in... the world seems different.  Sea swimming & 'wild' swimming are increasingly popular & the research behind the benefits is growing day by day.  The interesting point for me is; why did we need the research & data to convince us that it was good for us in the first place??  It's the same with forest bathing... Taking a break & walking in a forest, breathing in all the natural smells, feeling the wind/rain/sun on our skin, moving our bodies...basically doing what we were designed to do... who knew that would be good for us?!

I was facilitating a Positive Psychology course for coaches recently & I sent the group off to do some gratitude practice.  When they came back I told them all about the hormonal responses that will have been happening whilst they practiced & one person responded "I'm so glad you told me that, because it has made the experience so much better for me knowing that".   Now I totally understand, it's why I include so much of the data & underpinning evidence when I am working with people... it is a language we all speak, it can help give us access to motivation, awareness or understanding necessary to make changes AND I have started to question how all of this gets in the way of us really sensing what is happening for us & trusting our gut. 

It's the same with all the data coming from smart watches - sleep, exercise, screen time, sitting time etc etc.  All can be really useful AND it can get in the way of us FEELING.  We are becoming ever more reliant on tech or research data to tell us what is good for us and what is not.  The more we rely, the less we sense; the less we sense, the more we rely... and so the merry-go-round goes round!  Our senses are something we can loose or develop... remember the post Covid olfactory training for regaining our sense of smell?  

So my question is how can we lean into BOTH senses and science?  How can we use both to connect further with our selves, each other and our natural surroundings.  I don't have any answers (sorry!!) as I'm sure it will be different for all of us - however I do offer the following questions as a starter for your reflections & hope this will have sparked some new thinking:

• What do you use data to tell you, that maybe your senses could, if you tapped in a little more?
• What impact does this have?
• When/where are you most in touch with your senses?
• What does this tell you?
• How can you sharpen your senses in your daily life?
• What difference might that make?

On a different but maybe related note... I see the Nokia 3210 is making a come back... how fab is that!!  I wonder if I'll be brave enough to ditch the smart phone...!  Watch this space...!!

For a large number of us the modern world provides a vast array of choice, from the food we eat, to the clothes we wear, the jobs we do and everything in between (where to live, what mode of transport we take, what exercise we do, who we spend our time with, either in person or online, how we spend our time when not at work - do we go to Zumba, the pub, a party, play online games, go for a walk, scroll through social media, watch one of the gazillion TV channels or boxsets or movies available etc etc.  Just writing that list made me feel a little worn out!!

Whilst this seems like a huge step forward in some way, there are also downsides.  Besides the environmental impact of the material choices (more about that another day!) one of those downsides is ‘decision fatigue’.  A number of my clients have talked about how overwhelmed they are feeling recently.   Having to make decisions can certainly be a contributing factor to this feeling.  

What is Decision Fatigue?
I first came across the term when reading Triggers by Marshall Goldsmith & Mark Reiter a few years ago.   Basically, the theory goes that the more decisions we have to make during the day, the more fatigued we get in terms of making those decisions & therefore the more rash the decisions may be.   Research by Hsiang et al in 2019 found that clinicians order cancer screenings at lower rates and unnecessarily prescribe antibiotics at higher rates as the workday progresses and  voters are more likely to abstain or make simplified decisions for contests that occur in later positions on a ballot (Augenblick & Nicholson,  2016).

What are the consequences?
Researchers in this field attest that ‘decision fatigue’ leaves us with 2 main options,

1. Making careless or impulsive decisions or
2. Do nothing (or procrastinate).  

The consequences of decision fatigue could be feelings of overwhelm, brain fog, exhaustion, irritability.   If you are feeling at all depleted this compounds the speed at which you become fatigued too.  Goldsmith gives the example of buying things on impulse only to find when you feel more rested what a bad decision it was… I’ve definitely been there!!   It's also why we may have a tendency to reach for an easy TV dinner as opposed to home cook at the end of the day. 

How to prevent decision fatigue
Pre-planning is one of the main ways we can minimise decision making – Barach Obamah & Steve Jobs famously wear the same outfits day in day out to take one decision out of their day.  Pre-planning meals, sticking to exercise routines & creating processes for how to deal with situations at work are some ways to pre-plan & minimise decision making.
Delegating is another option.  Who else could make the decision instead of or for you?
Diarising decisions – is this something you need to be making a decision on now or could it be something you put into your diary for when you have more time or energy or support? 

Here is an exercise that might help if you are feeling depleted and in need of minimising decision making:
 
Exercise
List every decision you make throughout your day… eg what time to wake up, what to wear, what to have for breakfast, whether to exercise & if so when & what type, when to open your email…. etc).  Once you have made a list work out the options you have for that decision; pre plan, delegate, diarise or another option that’s available to you.   Then DO IT & feel the weight go from your shoulders!!  
 
Wishing you the very best & hoping the above has been interesting and useful to you.  I would love to hear any thoughts, comments or feedback on this topic so do get in touch via [email protected]

​“I'm 51 I should have this sh*t sorted out by now!”
“Why am I here again?”
“I'm still doing this after all the work I’ve done on myself???”

Anybody else have this conversation with themselves??  Add the next layer in and it’s even more judgemental…
“AND I'm a coach!”
 
I have found myself going through patches of this type of self-judgement and recently experienced a cracker of one!  I was looking at my past almost like I’d painted over all the good bits.  Blanked out all the progress that I've made in terms of my own personal development, the achievements, the extraordinary experiences.

In my case it’s often about my relationship with food, or exercise, my personal relationships or my parenting. There are patterns that I seem to keep repeating that can appear to keep me stuck in that little revolving door of “I should be better at this” or “I should be more together, more sorted.”  “I should know the true core of me and I should be behaving in congruence with that all the time.”

Writing these I realise what enormous expectations I’m landing on myself and how negative my self talk can be.  I also recognise that this is almost completely done subconsciously – I am unaware I’m doing it the vast majority of the time.  I love this quote from the Welsh minister and doctor David Martyn Lloyd Jones:

​That subtle difference between listening and talking to yourself, in my opinion, is all about being more aware of what we are saying to ourselves and bringing this type of thinking into the light. By shining the light on it, it seems to lose it’s power (a bit like a vampire in sunlight!).  This is not to say it won’t come back and bite us again… it is often an ingrained pattern, hence it’s called ‘habitual thinking’.

Habitual thinking is absolutely part of being human.  Our brains are wired to conserve energy.  One of the last things it wants to do is make new patterns of thinking when the old ones have been perfectly adequate…. We’re still here aren’t we??  Why expend energy when we might just need that energy to get out of a life and death situation??  That’s why it takes awareness and effort and repetition to make changes to the way we think AND to recognise the changes that we HAVE made. 

So… through a culmination of conversations, journalling and general self observation I am trying a different story out in my head.  It goes like this…

“I am not back where I started. Yes, it's a repeating pattern. Yes, it's familiar. But when I circle back, I'm in a different place. I am a different person. I have moved on. It's inevitable. I am older, stuff has happened. I am more experienced. I have shifted even if it is ever so slightly I HAVE changed.“

This reminds me of one of my favourite quotes by the Greek philosopher Heraclitus:

​My work, for now, is to recognise the changes I have made.  The tiniest of shifts in behaviour, thinking and outlook.  Like grains of sand in the river constantly shifting with the flow.  We are never truly stuck.  What difference will simply recognising this make?  You are not where you were before, the pattern maybe familiar; it's not the same.
 
Here are some questions that maybe useful to reflect on if any of the above resonated for you:

• What are some of the repeating words or phrases you say to yourself?
• What is the impact of this self talk?
• How true is the self talk?
• What are some more useful phrases to say to yourself?
• How does this shift the impact?
• What shifts have you already made in your world?
• How can you focus on these even more?

 
As ever I would love to hear your thoughts, comments and experiences, feel free to get in touch via my email or book a cuppa call!!

What followed on the walk was a litany of metaphors for life!  Merlin (the self professed ‘custodian’ of the site) described the lifespan of the oak trees.  It is said that an oak tree takes 300 years to grow, 300 years to live in maturity and 300 years to die.  In that death is the extraordinary gift to other life forms around it – not only do bits fall off and denigrate into the earth providing nutrients for the soil but also the tree provides a habitat for all sorts of animals, plants, lichen & fungi.  Now THAT’S a legacy!!  ​

Merlin also talked about the mycelium network which provides a symbiotic system that interconnects the entire forest.  He described the network as being like our own brain – full of synapses (hyphae) that are electrically charged & in constant communication.  My mind immediately took me to thinking about how we (especially in the work that is striving for greater ecological and/or societal health) could create such a network, full of reciprocity as opposed to working in silos.  Imagine the difference if we all joined forces for the greater good! 
 
The temperate rainforest was the centrepiece for the retreat – it provided a space to connect with the earth (I spent quite a bit of time barefoot in the forest on the spongelike earth!!) and also a most beautiful spot for river bathing.  I hugged trees, stroked branches covered in moss, marvelled at the biodiversity of plants all on one giant chaotic looking celtic oak tree & meditated on top of a tor.  Yup... I went full on hippy at times!  Spending time in the forest also provided an opportunity for me to find & lean into a mantra I will take into the next few months & years.  The recognition that I am an unapologetically chaotic & vivacious celt. Merlin described Celtic oaks as chaotic & vivacious as opposed to English oaks which are far more straight trunked and uniform.  For so many years I have felt embarrassed about being a little unorthodox!  A bit loud and sometimes really rather feisty.  Hearing about the oaks almost gave me permission to recognise the celt in me!!  With Grandparents hailing from Cornwall, Ireland & Scotland it all rather makes sense!!

When back inside a lot of our inner work was around our ‘numbers’ – you know – the self talk that does a number on us – keeps us playing small, sad, or in a spin.  We worked on accepting these ‘numbers’, firstly through observation coupled with humour & irreverence ie mildly taking the p*** out of ourselves!  In fact Claire brought with her a bag full of clowns red noses for when we were being influenced by one of our numbers!!  We then made sure we didn’t slip into self-absorption.  This was a great provoker for us as coaches. How can we ensure we are maintaining the distinction in our self-work but also in our work with others.    
​
In terms of re-wilding I like to think of this as clearing space for new seeds to grow, seeds that are more beneficial for our ecosystem.  The irreverence is like loosening the root system of an invasive plant so it’s easier to dig up & get rid of.  This is in contrast to self-absorption where we can find ourselves constantly pouring fertiliser over seeds & plants that are destructive.
In Zen one of the basic premises is to wake up… to live more in the present – we focused on NOWNESS instead of THENNESS (the past) or WHENNESS (the future).  A lot of our numbers are based on the past or the future – bringing yourself into the present allows you to create separation from your thoughts and ensure you aren’t spending time in self-absorption. 
The Dalai Lama puts it like this: “If something can  be done about the situation, what need for dejection?  And if nothing can be done about it, what use is there for being dejected?"
 
Here are a couple of questions that may be useful for your thinking in this:

• What ‘numbers’ regularly turn up for you that get in the way of you being present and being joyful?
• How can you loosen the root systems & turn these ‘numbers’ into something less serious?
• What will waking up to the present more often do for you?
• How can you enable more PRESENCE in your life?

I would also highly recommend the following books if you are interested in learning more about trees & fungi, how they communicate & what we can learn from them:

For now I will end by wishing you joy in your rewilding!  

As we are in the midst of Mental Health Awareness week this is a topic that's been occupying my mind for a while now. Ever since I trained in positive psychology I have been telling a story about our negativity bias (our natural inclination to focus on the bad stuff as opposed to the good stuff) being something that is somewhat outdated. A tendency that comes from a time when we lived in caves.  I often quip that the majority of us live in safe environments - there are no tigers in the woods or bears at the door of the cave... ha ha ha etc etc.  Obviously, I point out, it's really useful in certain situations but those are few and far between in this day & age... 

And yet…. we are living in unprecedented times from a climate change point of view, where the global south actually is living with a bear at the cave door. They are living with the very real prospect of their homes being destroyed, their livelihoods being destroyed, their country being destroyed. Their whole population being wiped out.  Even in the global north where we have more resources at our disposal we are seeing more and more catastrophic events happening.  We are also living through times where war & the threat of a third world war is being talked about freely in the media & the disparity between rich & poor is ever widening.

Going back to our predisposition to focus on the negative, there is a very good reason for it and that is for the survival of our species, the survival of ourselves first and foremost, and then the survival of our species.  All emotions - including anxiety - have their place.  We can sweepingly put them into either a bucket called 'negative' or 'positive' but in doing so we risk being too binary & missing the point.  Anger, sadness, pessimism, fear... are all valid emotional responses.  In a best case scenario these emotions would spur us into ACTION.  The current mental health crisis, I believe, is partly in response to the environment we, as a collective, have created, that is so far removed from the one that humans are naturally meant to be a part of.  We have created systems that are literally killing the earth that we rely on.  No wonder our alarm system is being triggered!  And we are conditioned into a response of 'don't make a fuss'... 'don't rock the boat'... 'it's just the way it is'... 'I can't make a difference on my own'... This is where valid emotional responses can turn into pathological conditions.  

By promoting mindfulness techniques, meditation, coaching, all of these wonderful interventions that do have a positive impact on people… I am questioning whether we maybe dialling down the responses that we as a species, as individuals, as communities NEED to be having. There IS a bear at the door of our cave and our response is a flight, fight, freeze one. It is a natural stress response trying to flag something to us. Pulling the strings of the bear at the door of the cave are structures and systems that do not work anymore. They create societal injustices. They are not fit for purpose.  

My question is: Are we in danger of quietening down the rage that we all need to be feeling and expressing and ultimately doing something about?   Freezing or fleeing is not an option... we need to FIGHT!

Maybe it's time for a new story.

It's 2023 - there are more self help books in our bookshelves & therapeutic modalities than ever before and yet, according to Mind; 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem of some kind each year in England  and 1 in 6 people report experiencing a common mental health problem (like anxiety and depression) in any given week in England. 

One question that keeps swirling around in my head is... what (if any) is the link between the plethora of self help books & modalities (including coaching) out there and the state of our mental health?

My musings below are just that... musings.  Mental health is a hugely complex area with numerous external and internal factors effecting it.  I have no answers (as usual!) but I do like to stir the pot to see what comes up.  You may well wholeheartedly disagree with some of my thoughts; in fact you may well even press the unsubscribe button when you read what I have to say... and that's OK.  In fact that's more than OK!!!

We are living in an age of unprecedented access to 'news', opinion, research, adverts, products, services, 'self help' etc etc and we can look at this from a positive angle and recognise how lucky we are to have all this information & 'help' at our fingertips.  We can also look at the impact this can have on our ability to live in the moment, connect with others & the natural world, form our own opinions based on lived experience, not to mention the potential for overstimulation and overwhelm.  We can also take a look at how all of the 'help' we have available is focussing us more and more as INDIVIDUALS who operate in our own independent worlds.

Now for the tricky bit... is coaching & the promotion of coaching another piece of the jigsaw adding to this view and to  overwhelm?  Adding to the 'not good enough' mixing pot?  

I take lots of time off social media these days and I am always struck when I come back to it by the endless messages of how we, as individuals,  should/could be living our lives differently... and for differently read better!   If you meditate just 10 minutes a day your life will be transformed.... if you buy this eco deodorant you are literally saving the planet as well as smelling like an absolute sex magnet!  'Work with me and you'll get the job you want, be the leader you want to be, triple your income/confidence/resilience...' By having a cold shower, swimming in a lake, running 58 miles, waking up at 4am, planting trees, hugging trees, reading every book under the sun, listening to this podcast, watching that Ted talk, doing this course, that exercise and so on; then and only then will you be enough.

By the very nature of running a business, I promote my work.  I look to entice clients... The irony is not lost on me that I'm doing it now.... basically I'm saying 'do you think a little like me?'  'Have I helped you in some way by writing all of this?'  'Maybe working with me might be really useful to you right now.'  HOWEVER I am really conscious of the message that I give.... I do not have any type of magic wand (unless you count the numerous Harry Potter ones that my kids have!) that can change the wider systems we all operate in.  I make no promises on the work that we might do together because I am not doing anything TO you... we are doing the work together therefore a lot rides on YOUR input.  My main message is that you ARE ENOUGH just as you are, with or without working with me or reading my stuff or watching my videos.  The other message is that WE ARE ALL PART OF WIDER SYSTEMS and we cannot operate effectively as a species within our own individual silos.  Look at where that has got us!!

So next time you are tempted to book on a course, buy a 'self help' book or work with someone offering to transform your world via 5 simple steps keep some of the following in mind:

• What do you already know?
• What are the key learnings from previous books read/courses attended/work done on yourself?
• What are the key learnings from experiencing your life?
• What about you is already awesome?
• How will making changes to yourself benefit others?
• How will making changes to yourself benefit the wider ecosystem?

I would love to hear others thoughts on this - what has this stirred up for you?  What message are you taking from this? 

So this is the view I woke up to everyday of my childhood!  Utterly stunning isn't it!  Our home was a 40 acre smallholding in the Peak District where, over the years, we were lucky enough to keep a selection of pigs, cows, sheep, horses, turkeys, goats alongside the odd dog, cat, rabbit, guinea pig & hamster!  My Dad worked in London and was away most of the week and my Mum ferried us kids around, looked after the animals & tried to keep 3 unruly kids in some type of order.  But what has this got to do with my life now?  Turns out pretty much EVERYTHING!!!

I am currently working with an incredible therapist who has set me the challenge of looking back over my life & asking myself some key questions.  The point is to notice any themes that come up, differing family values, stories or attachments that shaped my beliefs & behaviour as well as the potential source (or sources) of dissonance, trauma, pain as well as joy!  We are working primarily with story & myth, unearthing a version of me before the layers of learned behaviours calcified around me. 

​I have never worked with myth, certainly not in a therapeutic sense, however, I am a big fan of Sharon Blackie's work and have recently devoured her new book Hagitude.  But it is her book 'If Women Rose Rooted' that I tend to recommend most.  Stories of wild women, aged crones and selkies take me to a totally different realm in my whole being & modern life seems to slip away.  It inspires me to do the deep work, to get in touch with the wild inside me & ultimately to become more impactful within my world and the world!  In Sharon Blackie's words; 

“To change the world, we women need first to change ourselves — and then we need to change the stories we tell about who we are."

Being brought up on the moors certainly shaped my way of being and I look back and see the wildness that surrounded me and was within me.  I am looking forward to some shape shifting as a result of reconnecting with her!!  In the meantime here are some of the lighter reflections I have had since I started out on this journey back in time:

Initially I asked myself; What gifts did being brought up in this environment give to me?

• It gave me a love & need for freedom & independence.  As a young kid of about 4 I would walk behind my older siblings, who were on their thelwell type ponies, up onto the moors above the house & they would hide me in the bracken whilst they went for a ride. I was perfectly happy & they grudgingly collected me when they’d finished a couple of hours later!
•  It also gave me a good grounding in responsibility & a hardy work ethic. Living with the menagerie that we did, we all had to muck in.  5am starts were the norm and this has stayed with me ever since. 
•  It also gave me a full appreciation of where our food comes from... we had a massive veggie garden that was especially productive during the oil crisis in the 70's.   I've been a vegetarian since the age of 13 having come to the realisation that I couldn’t disassociate the animal in the field from the meat on my plate... Mum cutting the pigs up on the kitchen table didn’t help, nor did the story of one of our pigs falling out of the horse box on the way to market & running all the way home!!!
•  Living on the moors gave me an absolute love & appreciation of the natural world & it’s rawness. It feels like every winter we had 6 foot drifts that stopped us being able to get cars up the mile long drive. We used to park the cars in the village down in the valley & walk up. This meant we sledged down again in the morning in our school uniforms, often seeing evidence of where Dad had crashed into the bushes at 5.30am whilst sledging down in his suit & with his briefcase off to work!
•  It was also FUN & it gave me the ability to see joy in everything! Living in quite an isolated spot meant that we became adept at making our own fun.  My brother kicking a rugby ball over the house & me running round to get it was my idea of heaven!!  We made our own go-carts, tried to teach one of the ponies to pull a sledge (hugely unsuccessfully I might add) & spent hours on end watching the frogs & tadpoles in the water troughs!

There is obviously much more you could do with these answers however recognising the strengths, inner qualities & values that reverberate through your life can be a great exercise in gratitude.  Here are some more questions that could be useful when looking back: 

• What can I learn from my younger self? 
• What were the family values I was brought up around (look at both parents/carers & their own family values)
• What made my heart sing or sink?
• What were the important thresholds or events and how did you deal with them?

Thank you for indulging me in reading my story - I look forward to maybe hearing yours one day!

As many of you know I have recently experienced a weeks retreat where there wasn't a spa in sight - no massage treatments or infinity pool.... no this was hard work... sometimes painful & raw... Not doing it for you??  How about if I told you I also experienced a prolonged sense of peace, laughed until my face & sides ached, met & adventured with 16 other  kindred spirits & rediscovered parts of me (wonderful parts of me) that have long been buried.  Better??  Amongst all my many learnings was an overriding sense of choice... 

One of the earliest exercises we undertook was an exploration of our 'sub personalities' - those bits of us that are make us US!  Another way to think of this is; who is driving our bus at any one time?  Who (or which part of us) is in control of our direction?  Our behaviours, our thoughts & our feelings?  Is it the organiser driver?  Or maybe the 'do it all' driver? Or perhaps it's the parent, the victim, the rebel, dreamer, joker, workaholic, fitness instructor, achiever, hot head, nurturer, joy seeker, bully, teacher, carer... etc etc.

I'll give you a minute to have a think or maybe write yours down.....

Now you've done that, here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• What's it like having noticed all the drivers in your bus? 
• How do they impact your life? 
• How do they empower/hinder you?
• How does this impact others in your life?
• Who's driving most of the time?
• Who's at the back waiting to move forward?
• What would it be like if you had intentional control of who was driving your bus?
• How would life change for you?
• What would be the impact of that change?

One of the greatest reminders of the week was that the vast majority of us DO have control or our responses, it's just we run on autopilot.  Now there's a good reason we run on autopilot from our brains point of view - it's wired for efficiency and therefore to repeat learned patterns over and over takes way less energy than to take a pause and consciously choose every time we want to respond.  However, learned or conditioned responses are not always serving us or those around us well.  In fact quite the opposite.  They were probably learned at a young age & are just NOT appropriate or healthy anymore.  So is it time for an update to your system responses?  

I am not saying this work is easy... it is simple but it is not easy!  When I lose faith in my ability to change (which I do by the way... frequently!!) I am reminded of the iconic book Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl.  Frankl, a psychiatrist, spent 3 years in concentration camps in the second world war and wrote of human's ability to CHOOSE our responses despite the harshest of environments.  He never lost faith in his own ability to choose, in fact it only got stronger the more adversity he faced.... if ever there's a lesson to be learnt it's this: 

A lot of our work following our 'bus driver' exercise was then about practicing noticing - noticing our responses... getting really curious about where they came from and noticing if they were still relevant and serving us today.  We also did a lot of work on noticing HOW we respond - do we meet the stimulus, respond and then grab hold of that response and refuse to let go?  Revelling in it and languishing in it?  Or do we not even allow the stimulus to be felt & bury our heads in work/alcohol/food etc instead to avoid feeling?  Our practice was centred around meeting the stimulus, allowing the feeling or thoughts to come in, acknowledging their presence and then LETTING GO!!!  Itai Itzvan - our extraordinary teacher & guide on this journey - calls this Touch and Go...  this became our group mantra!!  Our whatsapp group is even called Touch and Go...!!  
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If you would like to know more about Itai's work you can find him and his awesome courses at The School of Positive Transformation   I cannot recommend him highly enough!  Also his book Awareness is Freedom is a really useful guide to this type of work - the combination of psychology & spirituality really hits the mark for me and informs my practice, my work and my philosophy for life!

Do let me know if you have any questions or feedback regarding this type of work and in the meantime drive safely & enjoy the ride!!!
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I can hear a little voice in my head saying "There's a cost of living crisis happening, the planet is in the midst of climate & biodiversity crisis, the global south is under water or burning, there are wars happening around the world and you want to talk about PLAYING????"  Yup... absolutely I do.

It is in exactly these times that, in my humble opinion, we need to find lightness and play more than ever!  I am not dismissing the need to acknowledge other so-called 'negative' emotions such as fear and anger.... far from it.  Fear and anger are necessary emotions that can trigger some really helpful and sometimes life saving physiological responses (fight, flight, freeze, fawn).  They can galvanise us to take action to make changes for the better.  However, languishing in these emotions or allowing them to take over can be destructive and compounding - especially when fear and/or anger are chronically experienced emotions -  low level but constant.  So what can we do about this when we live in a world where the media (mainstream & social) is constantly warning us of societal, political, economical, mental health & environmental disasters?  We could go & live in a yurt off grid somewhere & knit our own clothes,... believe me I'm tempted sometimes but I'm not sure my kids would be very grateful!

So... how about injecting a good dose of PLAY into your life???  Sound a bit too glib?  My ask is that you bare with me a little!  According to Barbara Fredrickson the pre-eminent professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina & author of fantastic books such as Positivity & Love 2.0; when we experience 'positive' emotions we BROADEN our horizons and BUILD our resources.  If you think about it that's why baby animals tend to be so much more playful than adults - they are in a rapid stage of development & play helps them build their skillset & broaden their perspectives.

So... experiencing joy can enable us to see the bigger picture, get creative with potential solutions, build our resilience, face adversity with more poise, forge stronger relationships... the list goes on!  Imagine having all of that at your disposal?  If there was a pill that delivered the same promises we'd all be rushing to the pharmacy!!   I have written about AWE before and the beneficial impact that could have on how we view the world around us & therefore how we take care of it.  As we face a pivotal point in our history my belief is that experiencing positive emotions could just help us turn the ship around - not only in our own lives but in a much wider sense too!

Take a moment... go on... don't just say you'll do it later, it's literally a moment out of your day....!!  Take a moment and do something playful.... dance or sing to your favourite track, throw your head back and LAUGH, jump in a puddle, run around for no apparent reason, skip round the room... whatever makes you giggle or smile inside & out!   Now notice what has shifted within you.  How are you seeing the world now as opposed to before you started reading this? 

There is plenty of research backing the health benefits of regularly experiencing 'positive' emotions too - stress reduction, improved recovery from stress, more effective coping therefore providing a 'buffer' against depression and one study even found that experiencing 'positive' emotions can be linked to a healthier heart!

My invitation is to consciously build PLAY into your life & NOTICE the difference it makes.  If you have to diarise time to play then do it!  I often work with clients who create their own PLAY-list... a list of all the active things that bring them joy!   And if I haven't convinced you yet, & you want a little more of a philosophical viewpoint about play, have a listen to the fabulous Alan Watts.  Top tip... listen with your eyes closed...

Alan Watts & David Lindberg - Why Your Life Is Not A Journey - YouTube

I would love to hear your thoughts & experiences so do please get in touch [email protected] or comment below.

In the meantime ENJOY the dance!

This is a Forget me Not.  Not only are they one of my favourite plants (much to old school gardeners horror as it was often seen as a weed) but it is also a fantastic reminder to us all to REMEMBER WHO WE ARE!!!

In a world that is so fast paced and often pressured we can sometimes forget who we really are & what is most important to us; what we are really awesome at... what other people see in us, what our fundamental learnings have been.  This can lead to a feeling of confusion or stuckness - the hamster wheel effect - without an exit or the means to find or create one!  I definitely found myself feeling stuck recently in terms of where I want to take my work next.  I recognised I was being drawn more & more to immersing myself in the biodiversity & climate crisis & as a result I have read some incredible books (such as Less is More by Jason Hickle & This one wild & precious life by Sarah Wilson) and talked to some of the leading lights in the area of climate coaching (Linda Aspey & Charly Cox in particular, Charly's book Climate Change Coaching is AWESOME too for any coaches out there). 

However I found myself getting sucked into the very thing I was wanting to help others avoid - that is overwhelm.  My LinkedIn algorithm obligingly showed me all the catastrophic posts about the heatwaves, rainforest destruction, the decimation of the oceans and so on... it was what I'd been commenting on so of course I was shown more and more of this type of content.  I went into a bit of tailspin and couldn't see the wood for the trees (pardon the pun) and became an absolute nightmare to have a conversation with at home because everything became about the problem we/I was facing.

It was at this point - actually a couple of weeks into an extended break I had over the summer - that I decided to listen back to a podcast (Seize the Day)  I had recorded with the fabulous Natalie Miller Snell from NMS Coaching.  Now this wasn't due to an over inflated ego (I think?!?!?) but more to remind myself of what I had talked about.  The opportunity to tell my story and focus on my learnings was SO valuable - it was a chance to remember exactly who I really am - what I have experienced and what I have learned as a consequence: things like Ride the waves in a storm, Say YES, We grow from facing the s**t, ALL emotions are valid and there for a reason!  I took this one step further and re-read my LinkedIn profile as another reminder- all of a sudden it was staring me in the face - I am known for my ability to focus on solutions, to bring positivity in & foster that CAN DO attitude, to ride the waves & to say YES.  This totally re-invigorated me & I have re-set my goals for the year.  By this time next year I want to be actively part of the solution to the environmental crisis we find ourselves in.  To me this means carrying on my pro bono work with Durrell Wildlife Conservation Trust but also looking into other ways I can be more active in projects involved in carbon capturing as well as preserving landscapes & biodiversity, & creating educational experiences to re-connect people to the land.  It means focusing on what IS being done and what CAN be done.  This approach is far more in tune with how I operate - it will keep me forward focused & motivated to make a difference.

All this came from a bit of remembering....  If you feel in need of a reminder of who you really are, maybe you are wanting to make some changes or you feel a bit stuck I can highly recommend sitting down with a trusted friend or journaling about your life story... maybe the following will help:

• Tell the story of your life - passions, jobs, relationships, pivotal decisions you've made, how you dealt with experiences, where you've lived, how you've changed, what you've achieved, who you've influenced, who's influenced you...
• What are the key learnings you can take from this story about YOU?
• What qualities do other people see in you?
• What are you known for?
• How does all of the above inform your current situation?
• How will you remember all of this going forward?!

Enjoy this reflection & I look forward to hearing your thoughts and feedback!

I want to start this blog with “I am often asked what drew me to taking my coaching up into the mountains” but honestly no one ever asks that – they just say “OMG that is such a great idea!!!”  There are so many benefits to being in the mountains from the physical activity side of things, different flora and fauna, extraordinary views, as well as the peace and quiet.  All of this can help us tap into the emotion AWE.
Awe is an emotion that is getting more and more attention from a psychological perspective.  It is one of the main benefits of being in nature.  In terms of mountains we come face to face with the majesty of our planet – it is literally creation right there in front of our eyes.  They are constantly shifting – ok at an incredibly slow rate – but there is something visceral about this connection to evolution.  So… what are the benefits of awe?
 
Clarity
Mountains are the perfect place to consciously experience AWE.  Going out with the intention of experiencing awe invites us into the here and now – it makes for a much more mindful experience and ensures we NOTICE what is around us.  As well as noticing more, research suggests that experiencing the emotion Awe is linked to improved complex cognitive processing which can lead to enhanced clarity of thought & decision making (Shiota, Griskevicius and Neufeld 2010).  This in itself can be a game changer in the complex world we live in. 
  
Relaxation
Being in the mountains provides a high definition spectacle which is just a tad more engaging than a computer screen!! The view changing every hour of the day secures your focus and awe on the extraordinary setting.  Research also shows that mountain views and looking out onto the horizon can activate the parasympathetic nervous system (Joye & Bolderdijk 2014).
 
Creativity
According to a study by Melanie Rudd, professor at the University of Houston, being at the top of a mountain increased research participants desire to create and learn. This is thought to be due to the mountain scenery creating a safe environment for your mind to be open and creative. 
 
Enabling change
Awe is different to other positive emotions in which we tend to rely on existing knowledge & stay in our comfort zones – ie I’m feeling good and therefore there’s no need to change. Experiencing awe allows you to adjust your way of thinking without the potential negative feelings often associated with change.  How different could that be?!

For more information about the benefits of spending time in the mountains I highly recommend a book by Ned Morgan called In the Mountains   Of course you could also take this one step further and take a look at my coaching adventure in the Alps! 

So what about the majority of us who can't access the mountains on a regular basis?  Well, my invitation is to get outside and explore wherever you are!  I am incredibly grateful to live in an area where the headland is just down the road - this picture was my view this morning HOWEVER awe can be experienced anywhere.  I remember when I lived in London I used to find pockets of green, or head to the highest point in order to find a view.  Awe isn't just found in green spaces - it's found wherever you look for it!

​

So this is the view I woke up to everyday of my childhood!!!
Our home was a 40 acre smallholding where, over the years, we were lucky enough to keep a selection of 🐷 🦃 🐴 🐑 the odd 🐐 🐓 🐈 🐕 🐇& 🐹 ... all called either Bob or Bernard for some unknown reason... the hamsters that is!
A  trip up to Derbyshire once prompted me to ask myself 2 questions:


1. What did being brought up in this environment give to me?
2. What can I learn from my younger self?


In answer to the first question undoubtedly it gave me

• a love & need for freedom & independence. As a young kid of about 4 I would walk behind my older siblings, who were on their thelwell type ponies, up onto the moors above the house & they would hide me in the bracken whilst they went for a hoon around. I was perfectly happy & they grudgingly collected me when they’d finished!
• a good grounding in responsibility & a hardy work ethic. Living with the menagerie that we did we all had to muck in.
• a strong connection to where my food comes from.  I have been a vegetarian since the age of 13 having come to the realisation that I couldn’t disassociate the animal in the field from the meat on my plate... Mum cutting the pigs up on the kitchen table didn’t help, nor did the story of one of our 🐷 falling out of the horse box on the way to market & running all the way home!!!
• an absolute love & appreciation of nature & it’s rawness. It feels like every winter we had 6 foot drifts that stopped us being able to get cars up the mile long drive. We used to park the cars in the village down in the valley & walk up. This meant we sledged down again in the morning in our school uniforms, often seeing evidence of where Dad had crashed into the bushes at 5.30am whilst sledging down in his suit & with his briefcase off to work!
• fun & the ability to see joy in everything! Living in quite an isolated spot meant that we became adept at making our own fun.

Life can fly past us if we’re not careful, so I’m taking this opportunity to do a bit of recalibration by pondering the second question too. If you’ve got the inclination reflecting on those questions can be a great exercise in gratitude as well as reconnecting with our authentic self 😁

This was the topic of our 'sit' in my recent group supervision session with the extraordinary Zen Buddhist Claire Genkai Breeze.  We were asked to ponder this and feel what came up for us.  For me there was an initial feeling of freedom and relief followed quickly by a deep sadness.  'Who am I without recognition' was my uncomfortable comment.  The realisation that ego plays such an important role in my life has been a real eye opener - in the past I have put it down to values... recognition is  important to me and that's just the way it is - work with it.  However that gives an impression of permanence.  What if that value doesn't serve me anymore?  What if I have outgrown it?  In coaching we often work with people's values and some believe that they stay the same throughout our life.... I want to challenge that notion.

One of the key concepts in a number of psychotherapeutic approaches is that we create our own stories, narratives or 'scripts'.  If our thoughts are programmed in by us then what is stopping us from re-writing our stories... constantly?  We can be whoever we want to be or we can be no-one, it is up to us.  Yes it's difficult, no I don't have a magic wand but for me purely the knowledge that we can choose to change our persona, change the version of ourselves that we identify with most is hugely freeing.  We are creative beings - how about turning that creativity towards ourselves and our own narratives.  The possibilities are endless - infinite you might say.  This reminds me of the fabulous book by Matthew Haig, The midnight library in which the concept of infinite versions of our life is brought up.  If you haven't read it I highly recommend it - not only will it make you think but it is a wonderful reminder to look around and be aware of our impact on others.

​

Here are a couple of coaching questions that may spark some further reflection:

• How do the values I associate with serve me?
• How do they serve others who matter to me?
• What other values might serve me better?
• How can I 'try them on for size'?
• What story do I want to re-write?
• What would it be like to be no-one... going nowhere?

​In her book Losing Eden, Lucy Jones highlights the ever-declining connection with nature through the generations.  Just take a minute to reflect on how much your grandparents generation knew about the different types of trees and plants, species of birds, and how to grow and preserve fruit and vegetables for the table.  As the population has migrated to the cities so has the connection with nature dwindled.  A recent 15-year long study in Japan revealed serious decreasing trends in both wildlife observation frequency and knowledge about or interest in wildlife, especially among children.  This in a country that has brought us forest bathing…  Given the state of the planet this feels like a desperately sad and potentially terminal (for our species and many others) state of affairs.

So…. What can we do about it?!  All this awareness is one thing but it is quite another to do something about it!  I am increasingly aware that we need to capitalise on this growing awareness and get proactive about HELPING the natural world restore some semblance of balance.  Here are some coaching questions to help us all reflect on our connection with nature:

How do you currently connect with nature?
How often does this happen?
Make a list of all the ways you could connect with nature more
Which ones are you able to implement?
How can you enable others to connect with nature more?
What one thing can you do to help the natural world re-wild or re-generate?
 
Some useful links:
Every Child Outdoors (rspb.org.uk) - Children need nature, nature needs children
MHAW21_Nature Report (mentalhealth.org.uk) - How connecting with nature benefits our mental health