Self Compassion - a much needed game changer?

"And what if you were more compassionate with yourself?"  This question, or a version of it, seems to be coming out of my mouth more and more over the last few months.  The vast majority of my clients mention the term 'imposter syndrome' in their sessions... and a lot of them will talk about an inner critic.  Now this could be because I am more aware of my own inner critic therefore I pick up on it or that I am attracting more people that are really harsh on themselves OR that self-criticism is spreading like a virus in the circles I work in.  

As a result of my own inner work I have been diving into the world of Mindful Self Compassion for a while now.  I am finding it an incredibly useful approach to work through some of my own 'stuff' and I have also offered MSC as a resource to some of my clients recently and had great feedback.  In a world that often focuses on achievement, productivity, and potentially perfection or getting things 'right', it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism which can lead to a multitude of problems eg poor mental health, imposter feelings, isolating oneself, relationship problems, self destructive avoidance tactics such as over consumption of alcohol, drugs, food etc.  Societally being kind to yourself can be seen as letting yourself off the hook or being too 'soft'.   Self compassion can be confused with self pity or selfishness.  So exactly what is it?

What is Self Compassion?
According to Kristin Neff (a prolific researcher & author in this field) Mindful Self Compassion involves three key elements:

1. Self-kindness: Being gentle with yourself when you face difficulties, rather than being overly critical.
2. Common humanity: Recognising that making mistakes, reacting too quickly/strongly & suffering are part of the human experience, rather than something that only you experience.
3. Mindfulness: Being aware of your pain and emotions without over-identifying with them or being consumed by them.

Kristin defines it as "a healthy way of responding to your mistakes or suffering with understanding and warmth, rather than judgement".   Here is a link for  more information and loads of resources.


The Science Behind Self Compassion
Research has found that self compassion can significantly impact our mental health and emotional resilience. For instance, studies have shown that individuals who practice self compassion have lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. One study conducted by Neff and her colleagues found that people who were high in self compassion reported fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety, as well as greater emotional resilience during challenging times.

Self compassion is also associated with better physical health.  One study by Kelly Werner in found that people who practiced self compassion were more likely to engage in health promoting behaviours like exercise, eating nutritious food, and seeking medical care when needed. Basically by treating yourself with compassion, you are more likely to make decisions that prioritise your wellbeing.

In addition to improving emotional and physical health, self compassion can boost motivation. Contrary to the belief that being kind to yourself might lead to complacency or laziness, research suggests that self compassion actually increases personal growth. When people treat themselves kindly, they are more likely to take constructive steps to improve their lives. This is because self compassion helps to reduce fear of failure, making it easier to learn from mistakes and try again. Neff’s work has demonstrated that individuals who practice self compassion are more likely to persist in the face of setbacks.  I think this is so key to know, especially for those of us who are in the coaching world!!

The Role of Self-Compassion in Relationships
Self compassion also has a significant impact on our relationships. When we are kind to ourselves, we are more likely to extend that kindness to others. Research has shown that people who are self compassionate tend to have better relationships, characterised by greater empathy, less conflict, and higher satisfaction. Basically by being kind to ourselves, we learn how to nurture and support those around us as well.
Additionally, self compassion can reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation. By recognising that suffering is a universal experience, we are better able to connect with others and find comfort in shared humanity. This can foster a sense of belonging and understanding in our relationships.  Remembering that relationships & connection are key to mental health the circle is completed here too!!

How to Cultivate Self Compassion
Here are a couple of examples of how you might create a self compassion practice:

1. Practice mindfulness: Notice when you are being self-critical and gently shift your focus to more compassionate thoughts or allow the self critical ones to float away.
2. Challenge negative self-talk: When you catch yourself thinking harshly about yourself, replace those thoughts with more understanding and supportive ones.
3. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend: When you are facing challenges, ask yourself what you would say to a loved one in a similar situation, and offer yourself that same advice.
4. Engage in self-care: Prioritise activities that nurture your physical and mental health, such as exercise, relaxation, and hobbies that bring you joy.  By viewing these as acts of self compassion you may just change your relationship with those activities.  
5. Keep a journal: By articulating your thoughts and getting them out on a page you can start to see the progress you are making.  You could start to create a wins of the day list by capturing the times you have acted with self compassion as opposed to being self critical!

Another prodigious writer in this space is Tara Brach.  She has labelled self compassion as Radical Compassion and has designed a mindfulness practice to help individuals navigate difficult emotions and cultivate compassion. She does a great series on the CALM app which I would highly recommend!  RAIN stands for:

1. Recognize: Acknowledge the emotion or feeling you're experiencing.
2. Allow: Permit the emotion to be present without resistance.
3. Investigate: Explore the emotion with curiosity and compassion, noticing how it feels in your body.
4. Nurture: Offer kindness and self compassion to soothe and support yourself.

Here is a link for more information from Tara!

So next time you are giving yourself a hard time or you notice you are about to descend into a pattern of self flagellation maybe just ask yourself  "How could I be more self compassionate in this situation?"  I'd love to hear from you if you have experienced MSC or if you have any comments on the above. 

​Lastly... My brilliant friend & MSC guru Polly Downes is also running an 8 week programme on MSC starting on 13th January- you can find more information here.  ENJOY!!